Monday, June 1, 2015

It is what is it is (and I am who I am)

If you think the title of this post is long, wait until you read the whole thing.  That was "a very long post ahead" warning. 

I've been thinking about myself, my calling as a mom, what type of things I like, my hobbies, the way I raise my children, even the way I dress and choose to style my hair.  I look back all the way to being a little girl.  I never felt that I was good enough just being myself.  I always had someone that I was admiring, mimicking, or pretending to be.  This followed me for years.  There was always someone in every stage of my life that I was trying to please and get approval from.  I was told growing up what was considered pretty or acceptable and I think because of my personality type it screwed up my ability to just be. 

I'm turning 40 in 31 days.  It's time to just let go and just be.  When I actually take a deep look at everything that I have and am - I'm satisfied with it.  Happy even.  All of my fixing, tweaking, upgrading, etc. is all because of what I think is acceptable and how others will perceive me, but deep down I'm satisfied with just the way it is.  I don't need new clothes instead of a new handmade or the occasional thrift store find.  In fact, my entire wardrobe was a large box of hand me downs and they are just perfect.  One pair of comfy jeans, a knee length denim skirt, polyester or cotton shirts that don't need to be tucked in, baggy t-shirts and pullover sweaters, cardigans, and 2 dresses that have elastic.  I have two more dresses (from the thrift store of course) that I bought for special occasions.   There's no need for me to look on pinterest for clothing ideas.  I'm totally comfortable with what I have.  It's functional and comfortable for a homeschooling mama of seven.  It's forgiving of the body that's housed all these babes and it's basically a no brainer when it's time to get dressed in the morning.  I don't need to be fashionable.  I don't do sexy very well I tend to just feel awkward.  I don't see a need for change anymore.  I've always been low maintenance, simple, and very plain jane by nature when it came to my outward appearance.  And I'm telling myself now that I'm just fine.  You think I would have listened to my husband all these years telling me this.  "Why do you need to change Angel?  You're beautiful the way you are."  I love that man, I just don't listen to him very well.

I feel like I've been going through life - not missing out because I've been living, but I've been so concerned about what I "should" be instead of just being me.  Looking in the mirror and thinking that I need a new hairdo and then constantly in a mindset of needing to change.  And not just hair, the perfect style, the perfect homeschool plan, the house looking the way I want it, having enough money for this or that.  While all the time life is here!!  Right here!!  With me just the way that I am.  Maybe I want more fiber, but what's the reality?  I HAVE some on my shelf already.  That goes for fabric too.  I've been living, but I've been living 80%.  I don't need to change.  I need to continue doing the same thing that I'm doing now - homeschooling my children, knitting, sewing, making healthy meals, reading, going on family field trips, being a wife, being a mother,...... - but completely indulge myself without the thought of what others are doing or what they think of me. 

It's funny that I've even been afraid to be completely honest about things on my blog because I'm afraid of judgement from others.  Never again.  I'm so happy that I've finally awakened from sleep walking you can say.  I wrote an earlier post about having a hard time with summer.  I think that it's all tide together.  I think that in the winter I feel like I'm hiding.  It's very hard to hide in summer.  That's fine.  I'm not hiding anymore.  No more shying away from pictures or thinking I need to "spruce myself up a little bit."  There's nothing wrong with that either, but it's wrong to do it because I feel like what I really am isn't good enough.  This is me.  I'm an uncool mom of 7 homeschooled children and still craving more babies married to an awesome carpenter husband.   I love to knit, sew, go on family trips, and I'm saving up for a pair of shoes that I think are completely awesome.  Yes that's me and I'm unashamed.  I read somewhere that life begins at 40.  Yes, yes it does.  Well, like 39 and 3 quarters. 

My life: It is what it is and I am who I am......and I'm darn happy about it.  Messy house and all.

Happy Monday and thanks for stopping by.


No comments:

Post a Comment